matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Randomize
