I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
