girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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