if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I looked at my own cervix.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
