ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
