I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
