so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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