she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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