Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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