Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
