In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
