I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
