dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
