I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
