Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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