; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
