Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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