how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
