I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
