at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
