Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
