The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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