woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
