I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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