I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
