3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
