Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
