I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
