i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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