If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
