she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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