I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
