I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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