Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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