My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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