tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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