I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
there's paper in my vomit.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
