A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
