got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
