Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
