there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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