I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
