Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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