apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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