remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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