So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
