In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
