Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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