1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
