Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
What changed your mind?
Being sober
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
